Can words make or
break your relationship and image?
The answer is an unambiguous “Yes.”
Try to look back to the last conversation
you had with a staff or loved one where both of you started a conversation peaceably
but ended up having problem, conflict or angry conversation and, both became
extremely emotional and couldn’t resolve what seemed to be the sudden problem.
What triggered the extreme emotion?
You may say it was a difference of
opinion over the subject you discussed, and that is in part true. On the other
hand from experience and study, my position on this is that even though you
both differed in your opinions on the subject, it was not the difference that
heightened the conversation to an emotional neck or decreased it. Rather, it
was words that were used more either by one of you or both of you as you each
put forward argument or contradicting argument.
I would bet that the word being
thrown around mostly more than any other words and the one that nudged the conversation
into conflict was ‘you’ for example; “You are the reason…” “If not for you
…” “You always do/say that.” “You don’t seem to get anything ...”
“I know where you are going with this.” “You will never …” “I
don’t think you are.” “You always do that to me.” “You
never do anything right,” etc.
Do any of these phrases ring a bell?
What sort of responses do they bring? The answer is intense emotion. Why does a
simple word such as ‘you’ cause big problem? The reason is because it always
suggests blame or criticism.
How
to get rid of the ever-present problem causing ‘You’
Because the ‘you’ message implies blame or criticism,
when you used as part of the feedback process
and triggers the other person’s natural fight or flight defense mechanism, it’s better avoided and use the ‘I’
message instead.
The
following is an approach you can use:
“I feel a bit uncomfortable
with the way this conversation is going.
Please let’s leave it for now” instead of “I don’t like it when you
talk like this, let’s just forget about this!”
“I’ve noticed lately that the
register is ruled late. This seems unusual to me. Has anything happened
recently that might have led to this late coming?” Instead of “You are taking your job
for granted and a result you don’t come to work early. You do this again
and then, you can start looking for job in another place.”
“I felt let down that there is no more
love in this relationship.” Instead of “You
don’t love me anymore.”
“I like my instructions
followed please” instead of “You can’t ever follow instructions.”
“It’s disappointing to me that the
issue of disrespect happens regularly in this relationship” instead of “You
have no respect for me.”
Note the emphasis on the above
messages is directly on the issues, not the people involved. Communicate in
this way and you, your loved ones or your staff can focus quite rationally on
solving problems rather than defending each other’s words and actions in future
conversation.
What
will you say next time you have to tell someone they are annoying you?
When conversation takes the
upsetting route, take a few moments to think and prepare positive response
using the ‘I’ message. You can do this mentally while sitting or standing in
front of the person or send them a message if conversation is exchange via the
phone.
Using ‘I’ message is such an
important rule, that we will look at in future post.
Rewrite
the following sentences using the ‘I’ message
“You
should have called earlier since you know you will be late.”
“You
are always so dirty.”
“You
made me angry.”
Start putting the ‘I’ message into
practice. Comment on this
article, give it a like, share it and follow for more skills for the real
world.
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